Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Facebooking with Pre-teens

So I'll admit it. I have a few friends on facebook that are friends of Casey. They are pre-teen little girls. And I read their stuff but never comment so they forget about me. It's worked well so far. (Maybe until they read this, of course, but I think they should be blocked....) Well, if you are friends with any middle-school age girls, you have probably noticed they are all posting and reposting this crazy list of how you should treat a girl and what you should do when sort of thing..... *rolling eyes*

[sidenote: It is important for me to step back right now and remind myself how I was in 7th grade .... Seriously boy crazy and obsessed. But here's the truth of the matter. I'm not anymore. And it's silly to have been. So there.]

Anyhow, I have been debating whether I should discuss this list the girls are posting with Casey to let him know my thoughts .... let me know what you think I should do - my thoughts are in brackets and red.

When she stares at your mouth
-Kiss her
... ...
[Don't kiss her, she might actually be debating if she should tell you you have food stuck in your braces]

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy cause she thinks she's stronger than you
-Grab her and don't let go
[NEVER grab a girl and don't let go. That's called rape in a court of law.]

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
-Kiss her and tell her you love her
[She's a bitch with a potty mouth, dump her ass]

When she's quiet
-Ask her whats wrong
[Be thankful she isn't talking for a few minutes. There is probably nothing wrong.]

When she ignores you
-Give her your attention
[Enjoy the break and call a friend to go play football]

When she pulls away
-Pull her back
[Again, not a good idea]

When you see her at her worst
-Tell her she's beautiful
[OK, do this one. That's pretty nice.]

When you see her start crying
-Just hold her and don't say a word
[No... ask her "What the f*ck is wrong now?!"]

When you see her walking
-Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
[Really? Gay.]

When she's scared
-Protect her
[Honestly? You'll probably be scared, too.]

When she steals your favorite hoodie
-Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
[Unless it's Abercrombie or important. Then your mom will kick your ass.]

When she teases you
-Tease her back and make her laugh
[Why is that bitch teasing you?]

When she doesn't answer for a long time
-Reassure her that everything is okay
[Why is something wrong? So confused.]

When she looks at you with doubt
-Back yourself up
[Back yourself up with a few friends who have your back.]

When she says that she loves you
-she really does more than you can understand
[Seriously. Because she has hormones that you do not.]

When she grabs at your hands
-Hold hers and play with her fingers
[Unless they're sticky. Because then ewwwww.]

When she bumps into you
-Bump into her back and make her laugh
[Or just form tackle her and tell her to quit bumping into you.]

When she tells you a secret
-Keep it safe and untold
[Except tell your mom because if someone ever says 'don't tell anyone,' remember you are supposed to tell your mom.]

When she looks at you in your eyes
-dont look away until she does
[What are you, cats?]

When she says it's over
-she still wants you to be hers
[Yeah, because she's a possessive little wench.]

When she reposts this bulletin
-she wants you to read it
[Not your mom, though. But she did.]

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
[Revert back to first and second comment about this not being a good idea. Holding someone against their will is also kidnapping.]

- When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
[I remember all my boyfriends whether they were nice or mean. Just be you for God's sake.]

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
[Unless you're asleep, of course.]

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you
[Um no. Your family should always matter more.]

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick
[Gross, really? I mean HOWWWWW sick? You don't want to catch it. And shouldn't she be sleeping instead of staying up all night?]

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid
[Not a bad idea but your friends will laugh at you.]

- Give her the world.
[Yeah right. How are you planning to get "the world" with no job?]

- Let her wear your clothes
[Unless she's bigger than you.]

-When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
[Pre-teenage girls are ALWAYS bored and sad. You need to have a life outside of this chick. She sounds like a real pain.]

-Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain
[Sure, if you want to catch pneumonia. ~Love, Grandma]

- When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
"Whose butt am i kicking,BABY?"
[Remember, if you get caught kicking someones butt, it better be for a better reason than this.]

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Holy Crap! My Kids Aren't Perfect?!

I know I do a lot of bragging about my kids - most of it to myself and a little bit on here and even a little bit more on Facebook [I hate the changes, too] ... but *faint* .... it turns out .. *gasp* ... that my kids aren't perfect after all. [Help me up...]

But really? Did it all have to happen in 1 week?! Sigh .....

Casey is a rule follower by nature. So when it comes to school work, Casey would rather turn in something done half-ass than not turn it in at all. On a [almost] daily basis I check what we call the "Parent Portal." This little website is designed to give us up to the minute updates on how our kids are doing in their classes. Grades fluctuate almost daily so I try (TRY) and only evaluate this little gem on Friday afternoons. Well, my week starts out and I see Casey has these weird 3 letters on one of lists of grades. NHI. NHI? I think. I wonder what that could mean? National Honor Inductee? I just can't imagine.... turns out this means Not Handed In and the grade he can get on it from here on out is a ZERO. I am shocked. Speechless. I won't bore you with the details on how I have not let this go with him and have literally seen him roll his eyes at me on a few occasions regarding this NHI, but really?

Then there is Hallie. Preschool. She comes home Tuesday and tells me that she had to take a time out in Spanish [HOLA!] because she was arguing with another girl. Now besides Parker biting someone in 3 year old preschool, neither of my boys ever got in trouble at preschool. So I ask what they were fighting about. Whether or not is was raining outside. Really? Seriously? So I ask Hallie which side she was on..... raining. Good girl because it WAS raining and you were right. Well, half right because you really can't be disrupting a Spanish class with your obnoxious need to be right all the time. Not sure where she got THATTTTTT............

Then the clincher. The perfect end to my week. I am going to post the e-mail that topped off my Friday night but I am going to change some names to be fair to the other kid/family..... My comments are in brackets.

Tammy; [Tami but whatever]

As I always do [and you, Tami, never do], today I took my kids to the bus stop and saw Parker was already there waiting for the bus. Right after him my son [insert name] lined up. When Mr. John [bus driver] approached the kids he was making some gestures [not that kind!] to the kids waiting. Then [said kid] said "Look, Mr. John wants to fight with me", to what Parker answered "He is talking to me, you idiot". [the dad wrote that in red, not me]

Probably [removed name for privacy] didn't noticed what Parker said, but unfortunately I did and want to express you that I feel really bad for what I saw (you have kids and I'm sure you wouldn't like to witness happening the same to yours). I understand that kids some time do not get up with a good mood, but I know you shouldn't be calling anyone for no evident "you stupid".

In this case I'm not looking for an apology; what I really want is this not ever happen again.

thanks in advance for the attention to this note;

My first reaction was to think oh Lordy ...... I would hate to be the first kid to actually be mean to your kid BUT then I had to remember the grudge I hold against this one kid from when Casey was in 1st grade. This kid I hold the grudge against said something mean to MY FRIEND'S kid and I wasn't even a witness. [sidenote: that kid really is a butt still to this day] So my response was to have Parker march over there and apologize to the DAD and then the kid.

I accidentally just popped open a beer instead of a diet coke. It's noon-ish and I have a football game and 2 baseball games in addition to two birthday parties still to go today .... hopefully your week was better than mine.....

Can't wait 'til Monday???

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Why this picture is perfect...

So let me give you some background. The last picture that we took, as a family, with decent clothes on and showered, was 2003 when Parker was 6 months old for a Christmas card. Hallie didn't even exist and that picture is still framed on my bookshelf. We have 1 other picture together with the 5 of us - well, 2 pictures actually. One is at the hospital when Hallie was born and the other is on vacation in sunglasses and swimsuits the following Thanksgiving. She was literally 5 months old. If that.

So Nana is in town and would like a picture of the 5 of us. Oh yeah I think! A perfect opportunity to get one for me as well. I will get us all clean and set the camera up and we will make happy memories. *swoon* I tell the kids listen, it doesn't have to be matchy or perfect but let's look presentable. By tell the kids I mean tell the kids AND HB because let's be honest .....

Casey comes down in a stretched out, dirty Michigan t-shirt. (GO BLUE!) Parker is still in his North All Star shirt - and sporting a hat! HB, after rolling his eyes, changed out of his under armour shorts and t-shirt.

I say please boys, please - I have spent a small fortune at Abercrombie - please can you put on something decent. They go in. They come out - Parker has removed the hat and Casey has not changed. 4 times. 4 more times I beg. I plead. There is door slamming and fit throwing. I am screaming "I don't ask that much of you!!!" I am muttering selfish little brats under my breath. Hallie looks adorable because she doesn't yet realize what is happening. I start sweating. It is 400 degrees. I might be exaggerating, it was probably only 200 degrees. I am setting up the camera. I am trying to explain to my mother-in-law how to take a picture. (A challenge I implore upon you to take on someone over the age of 60)

I finally get the boys outside. They are ticked. HB is missing. He is now back inside ordering cleats for Casey. Important. Hallie wanders off. The boys are picking my just planted flowers. Casey is all but refusing to do what I say taking this moment to become a teenager. Parker is pouting and mad and stomping around. We are a happy little Norman Rockwell family, damnit! I tell HB where to sit. I tell the boys where to sit. No one can understand what I want. People who don't know me pay me money to do this I think to myself. They don't make mad faces at me and say mean things to me. HB is complaining and saying, "Come On!" ..... so down we sit. Casey is not doing what I ask - have asked 300 times. Parker is crossing his eyes to spite me. Sweat is dripping down my face. And back. And ears, no lie. I flip out on Casey - you don't flip out on Casey - he is too sensitive and I can't have him crying he will get all blotchy. I get the boys to cooperate FINALLY and Hallie wants to lay down. I am yelling "snap the pictures faster!" at mother in law. LOL..... Hallie starts arching her back - doesn't want to sit with HB. Walks off. I threaten that she will no longer be part of our family. Then I bribe her with a fictitious Hershey bar. Lies. All lies.

We pretty much all can't stand each other at this very moment. And then *snap* ....

I can work magic, right? Frame! Happy little family.

(***as a special note I would like to really thank my MIL Gail Knodel for helping take these pictures***)